How does one make an appropriate introduction?

Well, it was a delight to introduce these two at Fox Hall in 2016! When you have two equally high ranking people, a lady would come before a gentleman, so the gentleman is presented to her.

"Lady Carnarvon, may I introduce you to Jerry Franklin, the CEO of Connecticut Public Television? Jerry, Lady Carnarvon arrived from Highclere Castle (Downton Abbey) and we are thrilled to have her speaking at the Hill-Stead Museum in Farmington!"

Photo Credit: Deb Key Imagery

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Age or rank come first

The name you say first is the most important and is determined by whether the person is the eldest or has the highest rank. For example, you would present a student to a teacher, or a work associate to a CEO, or a lieutenant to a General.

Here are two ways of how to say the first line of an introduction with the examples of: “May I introduce", and, "please meet”. 
 

"Mummy, may I introduce my friend and classmate, Sarah Spencer, to you!”  

"Mrs. Zwiener, please meet my seamstress, Erica Merry."  

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Next, present the person of lesser age or rank

Be sure to include their first and last name, along with a little bit of information about them.
 

"Sarah, this is my Mum, Mrs. Eason, who also loves classical design as much as you do! Mummy, Sarah is the head of the British Sporting Art here at the museum and studied in England, just like you!"

(Note: Mummy’s “Mrs.” title is offered as an introduction to a younger person. If it is for someone near the same age then her first name is offered, Emmalene Eason)

"Erica, I thought you may wish to meet Mrs. Zwiener, as she founded DesignSourceCT, a comprehensive design showroom to the trade. You are a stupendous seamstress, so from fabrics, trims, and clients, I know you have much in common!"

Tantamount to giving a gift, making an introduction can be a most gratifying gesture for all parties. There is a chance that your introduction may prelude a relationship for both people!  Whether your introduction creates lifelong friends, future lovers, or an important business connection, the effort you make to compose your introduction and what you add to it are all part of your gift.  Ultimately, a great introduction reflects well on you!

Forbidden Faux Pas

Not to include the first AND last name for both people being introduced, unless you are introducing a large group to one person! 

To introduce a relative by their relationship name and not offer their full name. Say what their real name is besides Mummy, cousin, aunt, etc. If you just hear the name “Mummy,” how in the world would you know her first and last name?! 

To use a person’s nickname in an introduction, unless you know that person truly prefers it over their formal name, which I do myself! 

To not include someone’s formal title in the introduction. If the person wishes not to have you use their title, they will speak up and make an alternative suggestion.  

It is always best to err on the side of formality, a lesson I learned from both Mummy and Daddy which has served me well!!

More on appropriate and meaningful introductions will be continued in part 2!

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Are you aware of these additional U.S. flag protocols?

My wishes for a happy Labor Day celebration! This table was designed by Clary Bosbyshell Welsh and was posted on my Instagram.

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The U.S. flag is the living symbol of our country. Labor Day is another reason to fly your flag properly and respectfully. 
 

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a national holiday to honor the dedication and achievements of American workers, and the strength they've contributed to our country. It originally began in 1882 in New York City to celebrate labor unions and their contributions to the country. Today, it is more about celebrating the end of summer with flags, family, picnics and parades!

The traditional U.S. flag fabric is made of cotton, which drapes well, but is quite heavy, so it is used mainly for inside decorative purposes. Nylon flags are used more often outdoors because of the durability of the fabric and its resistance to fading.  Because nylon is lightweight, it can fly befittingly in the wind too!

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Do you know these additional flag facts?

Hildene was the summer house of Robert and Mary Lincoln (Robert was President Abraham Lincoln's only child) in Manchester, Vermont. If you have the opportunity to visit during the summer, as I photographed here, the gardens overlooking the mountain ridges surrounding are spectacular. You’ll also learn about the flag pole, which has a most unique story! The copper finial was missing at the top of the pole when a dignitary was coming to visit. So, in haste, a replacement ball float, used for a toilet, was painted gold and was used to adorn the top of the pole. This is ingenuity at its best, while adhering to flag pole protocol!

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No other flag should ever be hung above a U.S. flag, only underneath it. If two flags (an additional state flag, for example) are being hung on the same pole, the U.S. flag is always on the top. The Union, the blue and white stars portion, is always closest to the pole. 

When the U.S. flag is displayed on a pole and on a stage, it is placed to the speakers right, or the audience’s left.  Other flags, such as a state flag, are placed on the other side of the stage, to the speaker’s left.

An outdoor flag should be lit after dark... but this rule has become rather relaxed for residential use. Our flood light goes out after midnight!

A flag should never touch the ground. That is why ceremoniously, two people fold the flag when it is lowered. 
 

The U.S. flag should not be flown dirty, faded, torn or frayed. From my experience, I have found that our flag at Fox Hall needs to be replaced every two years so that it remains colorful and at its best! 

The U.S. flag should be disposed of by burning, along with offering a salute, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and with a moment of reflection. 
 

Happy Labor Day and God bless America! 

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How do you become a world-class houseguest?

My son-in-law surprised me with this bouquet of pretty pink flowers, which was delivered the day after he left Fox Hall for a business trip. This arrangement has moved from room to room for our entire family to enjoy. I even used them as the centerpiece for my daughter's 40th birthday party! The gift that keeps on giving, right?

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After years of hosting at Fox Hall, my husband and I have had some of the most delightful houseguests. Their manners have touched my heart and remain brilliant examples for me to share with you!
 

Consider giving flowers as an all around wonderful hostess gift. Either send flowers in advance, during the arrival or, as my son-in-law does, the day after his departure. Even for your family members it’s a thoughtful gesture. If you have never been to the house before, a bouquet of white flowers complements any interior. 
 

Let your hosts know if you have any allergies or special dietary needs or dislikes. Nothing is more stressful for a hostess than to find out a guest, while a meal is being served, has special dietary needs like vegetarianism, lactose intolerance, or gluten allergies. Simply call the hostess in advance of arriving and say something as simple as, "Please do not go out of your way at all, but I just want you to know I am gluten-free so I will bring my own bread or I can eat around whatever you are preparing!” 
 

Take your makeup off before using the host’s towels or sleeping on their linens. At the end of your stay, make your bed in the morning and offer to strip and place the sheets in the pillowcases. This looks tidier when placed inside a pillowcase rather than just piled on the bed. Fold up your used towels and robes and place them on the bed or in the bathroom. 
 

Offering to help in the kitchen while the hostess is cooking is also appreciated. If she says no, however, be respectful and go rejoin the other guests for cocktail hour or whatever is taking place. This applies to cleaning up after the meal as well.  
 

Another nice gesture is to offer to cook a meal or take the hosts out to dinner. Also try setting the table for breakfast or filling the coffee maker for the next day, as morning comes all too quickly when you’re having a ball!

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Millennial Tip

Once you are aware of your guests dietary restrictions or food dislikes, be sure to keep a record of them in your “contact” notes or your address book for easy reference the next time they come to visit!

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By popular request, below is one of Lori Jayne's custom makeup towels which have become a must-have in Palm Beach. Everybody I know adores them, so I thought I'd share it with you as well!

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What additional niceties should you consider for your house guests?

My parents introduced me to the Greenbrier Hotel, in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia and it is a heavenly place we have returned to with our children too. Each guest room has this precious pillow on the door. I purchased this one in the gift shop to hang on the door for one of our guest rooms- my subtle nod to the South!

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Mummy always said: "To know what house guests appreciate having in their room, spend the night in the guest bedroom!" Roleplay yourself as the guest, experience waking up in the bedroom, and then you will truly discover what else is needed for your guest’s stay.
 

Another thoughtful idea to welcome your house guest is to hang the flag from the country they are from or have something representative of their country on display. My son-in-law is German. He is always thrilled to see the German flag hanging at Fox Hall, underneath the American flag, when he and my daughter visit from England.
 

Other details include making sure a full-length mirror is easily accessible, either in the guest bedroom or their bathroom. A mirror can be easily be installed on the front or back of a door. A night light in the guest bathroom is a thoughtful addition too!
 

In researching for my upcoming book, I’ve also noticed the Staves wooden jigsaw puzzle has become popular among Palm Beach family homes. Situated on a handsome games table or coffee table, the Staves jigsaw allows guests to sit and ponder as they work with the pieces. These hand crafted puzzles are also stunning. My husband and I had one given to us as an invitation to celebrate a grand birthday weekend at Ballyfin Hotel in Ireland! What a clever idea, right?

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Millennial Tip

Although there are multiple beautiful color options, white is the traditional towel color here in America as well as in England. This tradition also applies to robes, bath mats, and sheets. 
 

They can, however, be adorned with embroidery featuring the name or logo of the house, the family crest, or the monogrammed initials of the hostess of the house. Other options include having a decorative embroidered design, a colorful edging, or cheerful polka dots; all of which are meant to complement the color scheme of the bathroom or bedroom.

My friend Bettie Bearden Pardee, the lovely author of Private Newportblog, wrote a splendid little paperback book in 1991 which is chock full of timeless entertaining ideas: Great Weekend Entertaining. If you can get your hands on a copy, grab it for inspiration the next time you have house guests!

Our carriage house is named Little Fox. The fox logo is embroidered onto the bed linens in various colors to compliment the curtains. 'Little Fox' is also embroidered onto our towels.

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Are you "going green" for an elegant cocktail hour?

Linen cocktail napkins are easily accessible when placed in my silver toast caddy. My mother-in-law brought these back to me as a gift from one of her many trips to England.

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Mummy always said that paper napkins are for picnics, linen napkins are for lovely guests! She advised me to offer linen cocktail napkins to guests when serving drinks at any time of the day. This accessory may seem retro to you, but they announce "Party!" to me! You will also be going green quite elegantly by reusing your linen cocktail napkins for future events, versus just throwing paper ones out. I estimate about two cocktail napkins per guest: one for drinks and another to be passed along with an hors d’oeuvres.

For me, it is a delight to discover precious new linen designs. The design can be an opportunity to show your personal style, and can also become a conversation piece. Cocktail napkins can be whimsical with cute embroidery or a clever saying. Mummy had little ones that had roosters embroidered on them. When I inquired "Why roosters, for heaven's sake?," her response was: "Cock-tails, my dear!" That answered that! On my YouTube channel, I show an example of this... link.

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Cocktail napkins can be customized easily with the design of amusing objects to reflect your interests (horses for me!), or more formal in plain white. It can be such a joy to collect a myriad of cocktail napkins for various occasions from holidays to room color schemes. My predominant justification is "just because they are pretty!"
 

After an event, it’s also an honour to receive one back in the mail from a guest! Gentlemen have a propensity to pop them in their pocket at some point at cocktail hour. I imagine it’s because it feels like using a handkerchief which naturally goes back in the pocket. They are always sheepishly embarrassed to have "lifted" one of my napkins. I reassure them that it is a high compliment that they liked them so much to have taken one!

Millennial Tip

Purchasing darling linen cocktail napkins can be simple. Find elegant linen cocktail napkins at linen and upscale gift stores, auctions, and even eBay. Opt to have some custom embroidered with your initials or to match a motif in your house. Give them as a hostess gift. I positively adore receiving them as one can never have too many! A darling linen cocktail napkin can be framed as art also!

In my book, The Pretty and Proper Living Room, page 103, I discuss cocktail napkins and how to clean them... link

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: As a guest, to use a linen cocktail napkin for a receptacle of pits, toothpicks, or an unwanted bite of something served to you! Find a plate or a place to dispose of these items properly.

What niceties do you bestow upon your house guests?

Mouthwash in a wine decanter placed in one of our guest bathrooms... the “Bourbon” is even more amusing when I use the amber toned Listerine!

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A few of you have kindly requested that I comment on how to be a thoughtful hostess to house guests.  Summer, in particular, is a prime season! 
 

Oh, I do love a party, especially when our guests and family come to visit us at Fox Hall, at any time of year.  In Robert Louis Stevenson's words, "A friend is a gift you give yourself." To me, a house guest is a substantial gift that accords immense pleasure to my husband and me. Yes, it requires planning and loads of TLC effort, but is worth every minute!

A few days before a house guest arrives, I inquire as to what they would like to do, offer suggestions, and get their feedback, being flexible as to their wants and desires. I think it is thoughtful to let guests know an event schedule with approximate times in advance of their arrival. I do not propose to be a camp director, however!  After we discuss all the options in advance, I let them know when drinks will commence in the evening or, if an activity is organized (from attending a horse race to going out to dinner), when it will take place and the dress code if needed. This allows guests to know what to pack, and when they have free time to take a nap, to go for a walk and explore, check emails, or simply to sit and relax.

Mummy always made sure a small vase of flowers from the garden (or store-bought flowers during the winter months) was placed bedside for her house guests and for me whenever I returned home. I joyfully perpetuate this tradition for my children and guests! When I was filming my television episode with Lady Carnarvon at Highclere Castle (Downton Abbey), we spoke about house guests in depth. She admitted to running up and down the massive staircase to deliver vases with the hand-picked flowers which she arranges for her house guests too!

Here are a few of the niceties that I provide for our house guests. Many of them may sound as if you are running a hotel, but from my experience guests always appreciate these thoughtful gestures. 

Guest Bedroom:

1. A luggage rack or two

2. A bottle of water with a glass on a tray

3. Something sweet: a small dish of chocolates

4. Something savory: my rosemary pecans

5. Books and magazines I think they may enjoy

6. A soft throw on the side chair, in case they want to snuggle up in it

7. Two kinds of pillows: soft and medium soft

8. Strip cord near the bedside to recharge a phone, etc.

9. The wifi code

10. A pad of paper with a pen

11. Tissue box

12. Plenty of matching hangers in the closet

13. An additional blanket in the closet

Guest Bathroom:

1. Always a fresh bar of soap on the sink and in the shower/tub

2. Shampoo, conditioner and body soap

3. Terry cloth robe

4. Plenty of towels

5. A "black makeup washcloth" (I delightfully discovered this in many Palm Beach guest bathrooms!)

6. Shower cap

7. Body lotion

8. Mouthwash, I always pour it into a crystal wine decanter, just for smiles!

9. Drinking glass

10. A basket or drawer full of toiletries: a new razor, comb, brush, a new toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, a lint brush, cotton balls, Q-tips, make up remover, shaving cream, hair spray and mousse

11. Hair dryer (know your guests! Electric curlers or a curling iron may be thoughtful too)

12. Magnifying mirror

13. Hooks on the wall for towels and robes

14. Extra rolls of toilet paper

15. A roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex, just in case they need it.

Your house guests love to be spoiled royally by you! The memories created by your efforts are the golden nuggets you give them and yourself.  Once they have left, you can rightfully collapse...with sweet memories in your heart!

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S&S has a lovely assortment of luggage racks to choose from!

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Avert these 5 common gaffes during tea time!

The Countess Grey variety of loose tea is my most favorite tea! Fortnum and Mason in London, which has a Royal Warrant issued by the British royal family, created this traditional tea which has a subtle, light, citrus and orange character.

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1. Drinking tea with a tea bag still in the cup!

The tradition of afternoon tea requires loose tea leaves, which seep inside the teapot and are then strained while poured into the cup. But these days, tea bags are often used for ease and simplicity. If a tea bag happens to be served to you in your cup (or mug) in a casual environment or establishment, simply remove the tea bag and place it on the plate offered or on your saucer before taking a sip. The tea bag may remain within a teapot, but avoid having the string with the paper label dangling on the side of the cup at all costs!

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Left: Mummy's Limoges hot chocolate pot with its cup and saucer. Both are delicate and vertically tall for more hot chocolate to serve- yum!

Center: A Meissen coffee pot, shown with a different example of a coffee cup and saucer.

Right: Mummy's English daisy teapot with a cup and saucer... perfect for any girl or boy of any age to have their first tea party!

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2. Know the difference between a teapot and a coffee pot, along with their respective cups!

Whether you’re using porcelain or silver, Mummy always emphasized the difference between a teapot (round and stout) and a coffee pot (taller and slimmer). If you only have one in your porcelain or silver repertoire, be aware of the distinction between the shape of both so that you know which goes in what! 

The shape of a teacup has a wide-open rim versus a coffee cup which stands a tad taller vertically and has a slightly larger handle. Tallest of all is the hot chocolate cup, which is perfect for serving the beverage with a little dollop of whipped cream!

3. To clink your teacup while stirring

Stir in a 12 to 6 o’clock motion back and forth, not right to left, nor in a circular motion. Try your best not to clink the cup.

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The Garden Club of Hartford commences monthly meetings at members' houses with tea and coffee. My dear friend, Brie, hosted this lovely event in her stunning historic house where President Roosevelt's sister once lived.

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4. Not allowing the hostess to serve you

If you are the hostess, you pour the tea one cup at a time and offer it to your guests one at a time. As the hostess, you may also appoint someone else to pour. Our Garden Club of Hartford still maintains the formality of having tea served by a designated hostess at one end of the dining room table while coffee is served at the other end by another appointed hostess. The hostesses are seated while they pour and the table is dressed with a traditional white linen tablecloth. Both the tea and coffee pots are placed on a silver tray.

5. Not holding the teacup correctly

Avoid wrapping both hands around your cup (or mug) or placing your finger completely through the handle while wrapping your hand around it! 
 

Instead, place your thumb and index finger in between the handle of a teacup while the third finger supports the cup under the handle. The pinky finger stays down!
 

If you are standing at a reception, do not leave the saucer on the table. Both the teacup and saucer remain together with one hand under the saucer and the other picking up the cup to sip from.

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A remarkable Herend tea set hand-painted with delicate details and 24K gold accents was created in a limited edition to honor the 60th anniversary of Scully & Scully's partnership with Herend porcelain.

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Which is more formal: high tea or afternoon tea?

English afternoon tea at Claridge's Hotel is world famous and deemed the most traditional and best in London. I think it is divine! A three-tiered plate stand accompanies a formal afternoon tea celebration donning scones, tea sandwiches, assorted elegant pastries, and yummy cakes!

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Sorry to surprise some of you, but that lovely social tea event served around four in the afternoon... well, it is not called “high tea”!  It is correctly called “afternoon tea”. Whether served in a noble house, a grand hotel, an English country house, or your own house, it’s still called afternoon tea. The Queen simply calls it tea. 

High tea, which many Americans mistake for afternoon tea, is served later in the day between five and seven in the evening. High tea is accompanied with a medley of savoury and hearty fare. It is considered to be more of a light dinner served after the workday and is often referred to as working-class tea—quite the opposite of afternoon tea! 

When did this afternoon tea tradition begin? Around 1840’s the 7th Duchess of Bedford visited Belvoir Castle in England and was a bit peckish in the afternoon.  Back then there were only two meals, breakfast and dinner. Dinner was traditionally served around eight or nine in the evening. To hold her hunger over until dinner, the Duchess had tea and biscuits served in her private room. Eventually, her experience was so pleasant that it morphed into a social event, taking place in her own drawing-room where other ladies were invited to join her. Afternoon tea soon became a fashionable social occasion in England.  

The ritual of afternoon tea in the 1840’s was soon graced with lovely linens and fashionable accoutrements created by English china manufacturers and silversmiths—all of which continues today.  Afternoon tea consists of tea, crustless sandwiches, scones, sweet cakes, pastries, and is often served while seated on the sofa or comfortable chairs. The tea is placed on a coffee table or a low table, hence it is also referred to as “low tea”.

By the way, “cream tea” is simply tea served with scones, clotted cream, and preserves.  “Champagne tea” is just as you would imagine: tea served along with a glass of champagne.

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Millennial Tip

If you are invited to have afternoon tea in a noble house or an establishment like Claridge's Hotel in London, make the effort to educate yourself about English tea traditions and the expected protocol. Did you know that a scone is split apart in two with your fingers, not a knife, and that each side is eaten separately?

To learn more about tea protocol, I am honoured to know and advocate William Hanson (williamhanson.co.uk). He conducts etiquette courses in the UK and all over the world with his keen knowledge and brilliant sense of humor. 
 

Myka Meier, founder of Beaumont Etiquette in NYC (beaumontetiquette.com) also offers courses online and at The Plaza Hotel in New York, and was introduced to me by The Glampad blog. 

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What polite vocabulary do you know?

My mother-in-law always creates the most divine Christmas evening buffet (not "spread"!) for the family. After a joyous, yet long long day of celebration, it is such a delight to imbibe in champagne and enjoy her culinary creations while sitting in the living room together to relive the memories of the day (all the while the children are playing with their newly acquired Santa toys!)

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It has come to my attention to correct a few commonly used words whose hidden interpretations you may not be aware of. The use of these words can often reflect one's education and background as a part of the old school code. Mummy wanted me to know the difference. 
 

Here is a personal story detailing the consequences: my girls prep school English teacher reprimanded me, in front of the entire 8th-grade class (the kind of embarrassment that you never forget!) for using the word "raised" in my sentence: "He was raised in America." She said animals and crops are "raised" and children are "reared". So from then on, my children were "reared in New England"! Reared is the more traditional, polished choice.

Other common mistakes include: 

Correct Form: Children

Incorrect: Kids

Reasoning: Kids are baby goats, “raised” by a mother goat!

Correct Form: Buffet

Incorrect: Spread

Reasoning: A time-honored tradition, "spread" is never used.

Correct Form: Dinner Jacket or Black Tie

Incorrect: Tuxedo

Reasoning: A time-honored tradition, "tuxedo" is never used.

Correct Form: How do you do?

Incorrect: Pleased to meet you

Reasoning: A time-honored tradition, “pleased to meet you” is only used after both people state the “how do you do?” greeting first. 

Correct Form: To have tea

Incorrect Form: To take tea

Reasoning: One takes a bath, one has tea.

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Stuart and I were honored to attend the black-tie dinner (not tuxedo!) gala at the invitation of Peter Lyden, the President of the Institute of Architecture and Art for the celebratory Arthur Ross awards, held at The University Club in NY city.

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Why send your wedding gift in advance of the wedding?

Brides register at Scully and Scully and, if they wish, they can have their very own place setting featured, among the other brides' place settings!

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Sending a wedding gift within 48 hours of receiving a wedding invitation is easy to do, and from my experience, most considerate! The first presents that arrive are always opened with great joy and anticipation and tend to be remembered most.  I can still fondly recall the first ten gifts that Stuart and I received, but after that, I would need to refer to my wedding gift list.

It is thoughtful to reach out to the bride or her parents to see which address is most convenient.  In the past, the gift was sent to the bride's parents. They were the hosts of the reception, and their address was indicated on the wedding invitation envelope.  
 

Today, many brides are living and working away from home, living with their fiances, or sharing the expense of the reception with both sets of parents.  The bride may appreciate having the gifts sent directly to her address so that she does not have to arrange to have the gifts forwarded on to her. This may also give her the opportunity to write a thank you note promptly. 
 

A gift card is also an essential complement to your wedding gift. It is addressed to the bride, with her maiden name spelled out the way it is presented on the invitation, with Miss or Ms. as her title, unless she has another title.  The salutation is to the bride only, but remember to include the name of the groom within the body of the note, along with your good wishes and love. 

Oh, if you are personally sending the gift, be sure the gift card is firmly attached to the present or placed inside the box! They can easily be separated and lost, which is a nightmare for the bride to figure out! 

If the bride does not know you yet because you are friends of the groom's family, be sure to sign your gift card with your last name. An example signature would be: Holly and Stuart Holden (wife's name first, as the husband's name is never separated from his last name).

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To bring a wedding gift to the reception or church.  It just creates a logistical challenge to the couple, wedding planner, or bridal party, to resolve where and how to transport the presents after the reception.  The wedding couple should just be celebrating their wedding day with family and friends!

No-no: To mention a wedding gift registry on a wedding invitation or a bridal shower invitation.

What is done:  Guests may reach out to the bride or the other hosts to ask where the bridal couple is registered.

Millennial Tip

The couple will be occupied with wedding details the last few days before the event. Opening presents, while a lovely activity to do, is usually not at the top of the list at that point. Send your gift early and have it be remembered!

Both of my daughters had a gift registry at Scully & Scully on Park Avenue in New York City. It was an exceptional experience.

It is simply charming to see how individualized each bride's choices are. Moreover, it is such fun discovering a personalized place setting that belongs to a bride you know!

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Do you know the difference between a place card and an escort card?

A few examples of place card holders that I have collected through the years, along with two place settings at elegant dinner parties that my husband and I have attended. For more place card holder options, consider our new sponsor: Scully & Scully.

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A place card (or seating card) tells a guest where they will be seated at the table. Guests appreciate place cards, and they also admire little place card holders!  The name on a place card faces the guest. A place card may be tented (folded at the top) which does not require a place card holder, or not tented, and flat, which requires a place card holder. Place cards, in place card holders, may be arranged above the dinner plate centered on the place setting or placed above the forks. A place card may lie flat, without a place card holder, and placed in the center of the service plate, or on top of the napkin.
 

An escort card, also called a table card, is used to direct guests to their table, but not their actual seat. It will have the name of the guest on the outside of the envelope, and the table number indicated on the card inside the envelope.  Arranged in alphabetical order, the cards are typically placed near the entrance of the dining room. Originally, an escort card shared the name of a lady guest (indicated on the card) with a gentleman (name on the envelope) who would then escort her into the dining room or reception. 

The place card indicates the seat placement for the guest.  If there is not a place card present, the guests may choose where they wish to be seated at their appointed table. 

Married couples may be on the same table card: Mr. and Mrs. R. Stuart Holden.  A family may be listed on one table card if they are all seated at the same table: The Holden Family.

Place cards and escort cards need to be legible!  They may be handwritten, or done by a calligrapher, or printed out on a printer.  If you are in a quandary over how to spell someone's name, reach out to the guest, before the event, and confirm how to spell their name correctly.
 

The paper color and design are the same for both the table card (or escort card), the place card and the menu card.
 

For business functions, a tented card may be larger than a regular place card.  It may have the person's name printed on both sides so that others sitting at the table can also see whom they are addressing at the meeting.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To move a place card to a different seating location!

Guests sometimes forget how much time and effort has been exerted by the hosts to orchestrate the perfect placement of their guests.  Remember to be respectful of where you have been selected to be seated. Once seated, if someone has a hearing issue, or has a reasonable request to the other guests at the table as to why they wish to change their seat, of course, that is acceptable.  
 

No-no: To write "Guest" on a place card or escort card.

What is done: If you do not know the name of a guest or the escort's name, make an effort to find out what it is!

Millennial Tip

Guests want place cards! As the host and hostess, you are running the show. With place cards, there is no confusion when your guests enter the dining room as to where they will be seated. I think it adds to the joviality of the party knowing that you have been chosen to be seated in a particular place, and adds to the excitement for each guest when entering the dining room to find out where their place card is located. The hosts have given much thought as to whom and where each guest will be seated. Enjoy discovering why you were chosen to be near the guests around you!  

The old adage, "six seats itself" is true and there is no need for place cards for an intimate dinner for six. The host indicates to the lady guest of honor to be seated to his right, while the hostess indicates for the gentleman guest of honor to be on her right, and then the other two guests can easily see where to sit.
 

Start collecting paper place cards, along with attractive place card holders.  When you discover darling place card holder sets, at an auction or in a shop, begin to collect them with a theme or color scheme in mind. By having a set more significant than 12, or by owning another set that complements the place card holders you already own, you may sprinkle them interchangeably on the dinner table when hosting a more substantial function! 

My husband and I have attended formal dinner parties where the children or grandchildren of the hosts have made the place cards out of construction paper, colored in a design or added gold stickers, which adds a most charming, personal touch to the table.

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What is the silent cue to your server that you are completed with your dinner?

How you place your knife blade and fork, are the silent cue that you are finished! The plate from the fish course is now ready to be removed.

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I am most grateful for your enthusiastic questions which have been simply splendid! Here are a few of my answers and suggestions concerning dining:
 

• As you are dining, the knife blade faces away from you. When you are finished eating, place your knife blade toward you. A knowledgeable server will know this rule and it is your silent cue that you are done. The knife and fork are placed in the 10-4 o'clock position in America. For Continental dining the fork tines are placed down toward the plate.
   

• When using a knife and fork to cut your meat, remember to keep your elbows down. Oh, you must remember Mummy reminding you: "No elbows on the table, dear", right? Well, "elbows on the table" appears to be quite popular these days, don’t you agree?
   

• Eat your noodles/spaghetti with only a fork, no spoon is needed. You may need to cut the noodles if they are unruly!
   

• When there is a dessert fork and spoon presented, pick up both together at the same time... fork in the left, spoon in the right. You may push the food with the fork to the spoon. When completed, place them together on the right side of the dessert plate. For ice cream, only a spoon will be presented and is placed on the plate under the bowl or glass of ice cream.
   

• Refrain from seasoning what is served to you until you have tasted it first. It is an insult to your hostess, or the chef, that you should choose to season your food before you made the effort to taste it first!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: When ordering in a restaurant, club or to a server, to say, "I want the ..." or "Can I have..."

What is done: Politely ask, "May I have...".

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How to gracefully pass the bread

Nothing is lovelier than warm bread or biscuits served in a silver basket, tucked inside a handsomely monogrammed linen napkin. This basket graces the breakfast table of Lori Bernstein’s home in Palm Beach. It's just a hint of the glorious linens that are created in her store: Lori Jayne. Please, pass the bread basket!

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Have you ever been seated at a banquet table, restaurant, a club, or even someone's private dinner table, and had the bread and butter placed in front of you? When this occurs, the onus is on the closest guest to pick it up and begin offering the bread basket and butter dish to the guest to their right, or to the left for any ladies present.  
 

When dessert is served, there may be an additional plate of cookies or chocolates placed near the center of the table.  Again, these are placed there for the entire table to enjoy so it is up to the guest closest to begin passing it.
 

Quite often, I have passed these types of dishes to the guest next to me and they reply, "No thank you" without any effort to keep passing on. So, my response to them is, "Would you mind passing it to the next person for me?  Thank you so much!".
 

In regards to wine, the gentlemen would, of course, serve the ladies to the right and left of himself first and then serve himself. Frequently at business banquets, open bottles of wine are placed on the table prior to being seated. If there are no servers at a private dinner party, and the hosts suggest you serve yourself, feel free to do so. It’s most polite for gentlemen nearest the bottle to serve others before himself.
 

What’s most paramount is conscientiousness of your fellow guests. While engaging in the conversation, take occasional notice of others’ eating arrangements. Are they peering over at the chocolates? Is their wine glass empty? The lovely concern guests show for each other can make the difference between a good and a grand dinner party!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Not to continue passing a dish when it is first served. All the guests should have an opportunity to take what is offered. Even if you do not wish to have any of the dish, continue passing it to your fellow guests.

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When you are engaged, are both names printed on a thank you note?

It is always an honour to host an engagement party for precious friends!

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Just recently, I received a question from the engaged daughter of a dear friend of mine. She wanted to know what the traditional thank you note format for an engaged couple (who live together) is. Should both names be on one card with the bride’s maiden name on top and her fiance's name underneath.

The contemporary format suggested above is efficient, where the card has both names for the engaged couple to use before their wedding as thank you notes. Once they are married, if the bride chooses to take her husband's last name, then their names would become one, using his surname, and the bride would require new writing paper to indicate her new name.

However, to fully answer the question posed, traditionally only the engaged bride-to-be's maiden name is represented on the thank you note! Her fiancé would have his name on his card. So, in essence, there would be two sets of cards before they are married.

After they are married, the groom can continue to use his note cards for correspondence, because his last name does not change!

When writing as a couple, who signs the thank you note?

One rule of thumb to remember, whether you are engaged or married, is that only the person who actually writes the note signs it. Whoever writes the note can kindly relay the sentiments from the spouse within the body of the letter.

For example, if I were writing the note, it would say something like:
Stuart sends his love and appreciation to you, as well! Love, Holly

The same would apply to Stuart if he penned the note:
Holly adores your gift too and sends her love. Sincerely, Stuart

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: For the bride-to-be to send out any correspondence with her new surname of the groom before she is married, or to use the initials of both the bride and the groom in a monogram before the wedding has taken place.

Oh, joy! Celebrating the engagement of our son and Karen, his stupendous choice for a bride, was a brilliant and most festive evening for our family and dear friends- one we shall always cherish.

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Do you know the protocol for the American flag on Memorial Day?

The American flag is so majestic, proudly blowing in the wind!

Flying a flag, the emblem of our identity as a sovereign nation honors our great country and those who have served to protect it. Memorial Day is a day to honor and show respect to our men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces. My father served in the U.S. Army. He taught me how to respect our flag. My husband and I are proud to live in the village of Farmington, where American flags hang on the street poles along Main Street from May until September. We hang our American flag over the front door at Fox Hall most of the year, as do the majority of our neighbors.

Did you know that is appropriate to fly the flag at half-staff on Memorial Day, but only until noon?

This procedure is to show respect for the ultimate sacrifice our servicemen and women have made for our country, the land of the free.

Why until noon? This custom dates back to approximately 1906 when an Army regulations book indicated the instructions for this tradition. Lowering it in the morning is meant to honor the dead, and then raising it to full staff at noon is to honor the living.

Do you know how to properly fly a flag at half-staff?

A flag should be hoisted to the top of the mast first, for just a moment, and then lowered to half-staff. Then, at night, when a half-staff flag is being retired, it is first hoisted back up to the top again, for a moment in it’s honor, and then lowered for the day.

Flag etiquette, for when a flag is being hoisted up the flagpole:

Spectators not in military uniform should face the flag and place a hand over their heart.

If a man is wearing a hat the hat is removed and held in his hand over his heart.

Military spectators in uniform should render the military salute. Members of the armed forces and veterans who are present, but not in uniform, may give the military salute.

Presentation flag protocol:

When the flag is hung vertically on a wall, window, or door, the Union should be to the observer's left.

When a flag is projecting out from a building on a pole, the Union, should be at the top of the pole.

With American flags flying high across our country today, I wish you a happy Memorial Day with your family!

Note: There is an official U.S. Code for our flag protocol.  It also states the special rules for what is not done as well.

The village of Farmington has flags displayed along Main Street which is a state designated “Scenic Road.” An all American parade takes place along Main Street and is followed by a thoughtful Memorial ceremony in the village graveyard, on the morning of Memorial Day.

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Do you know how to be a respectful wedding guest at a church ceremony?

Our daughter, Alexandra, married Maximilian in the glorious Berlin Cathedral (Berlin Dom), the largest Protestant cathedral in Germany.

Summer is approaching and wedding season is upon us! Recently, I have had the honor of attending a few lovely weddings, and I was inspired to share a few wedding guest reminders.

What one word is considered inappropriate to say to a bride?

Traditionally, "Congratulations" is never said to a bride! Why? It implies that the bride won the groom, when in fact, the groom should be congratulated for having the bride accept his proposal. So, you may certainly say "Congratulations" to the groom and extend your "best wishes" to the bride, along with your sentiments of happiness and joy for her. It is always appropriate to extend your "best wishes" to both the bride and groom.

When should you arrive for the ceremony?

Arrive early, up to 20 minutes before the appointed time on your invitation, or earlier if you know the wedding party will fill the church. This will enable you to have ample time to be seated and a moment to read the program. Do not plan to arrive at the stated time of the ceremony, as that is when the the ceremony will actually commence.

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What a joyful moment for our family. And... they lived happily ever after!

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While in church for a wedding ceremony, what should both men and women guests respectfully do?

Be sure to remove sunglasses, turn cell phones off or on mute (without vibration), do not chew gum and most importantly, remember to stand up the moment the bride enters the church at the top of the aisle when the processional music begins!

What color dress should a lady not wear to a wedding?

Respectfully, lady guests should refrain from wearing all white, unless permission is granted by the bride. This is a day when the bride should shine and stand out from the crowd as the only one in white. Black is considered a funeral color, and is traditionally never worn to a wedding. Wear the appropriate attire, per the formality of the invitation, and definitely not anything that is overly revealing. Preferably, inquire what color the bridesmaids will be wearing so that you do not wear the same color. For ladies and gentlemen, when in doubt about the dress code, ask the bride or groom.

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The guests gathered on the steps of the cathedral to share their joy and best wishes with the newlyweds!

Do you align your flatware when setting a table?

An oyster fork is the only fork placed on the right side of a plate, and it is the furthest away from the plate, as it sits to the right of the soup spoon. It may also be placed with the tines resting on the spoon, slightly askew to the rest of the perfectly aligned flatware! My sincere appreciation to Oyster Chef Francisco for shucking the fresh, delectable oysters, courtesy of the fabulous Max Oyster Bar in West Hartford, Connecticut!

Aligning your flatware on a table is a detail that is often overlooked. The traditional rule of thumb is to have the bottom handle of each piece of flatware line up perfectly alongside each other. They are to rest approximately 1" to 1 1/2" from the edge of the dining room table, and never more than 2". Occasionally, you may see the top of each piece of flatware lined up instead of the bottom handles. The only piece of flatware that can be askew is the oyster fork!

In royal households, the butler is most serious about the accuracy of aligning flatware, often using a measuring device. When using a table cloth, I use a 1" ruler to align the flatware from the edge of the table. If there is an inlaid wood design on a table, it too can serve as the guideline for placing your flatware evenly. I use the blade of a dinner knife, which is 3/4" wide, to align my flatware from the edge of the placemat.

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Using a dinner knife blade as your guide makes it simple to align your flatware!

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To have a spoon present when it is not required for anything on the menu being served. 

No-no: To place a fork upon a napkin, unless it is outside on a windy day.

No-no: To have knife blades facing away from the plate.

What is done: Knives are placed to the right of the plate and the knife blade will face towards the plate. This is to protect you from cutting yourself as you pick up the knife with your right hand. 

Millennial Tip

It is a French custom, often observed in Europe and America, to place forks on the table with the tines facing down, versus upwards. This is especially lovely for flatware which features engraved initials or a monogram, or to display the embellished design on the backside of flatware, such as Tiffany's Chrysanthemum pattern.

Why is soft lighting imperative when entertaining guests?

The front hall brass chandelier and five other chandeliers were all candle lit when my family and I moved into Fox Hall twenty years ago. Lighting the forty-seven candles necessary to entertain in the evening was a bit daunting, so over time, we replaced them with electrified chandeliers...with dimmers!

Soft lighting is an important aspect of entertaining because it enhances your guests’ visual experience by creating a dreamy, mystical and almost magical ambiance to interiors. Candlelight and soft, dimmed light, impart an enchanting mood that your guests will experience in the evening. The artwork, food and decorative details suddenly transform from the expected normal, bright daylight (which creates harsh shadows), into a more captivating and romantic encounter. Everything and everyone look more attractive with soft, diffused lighting!

When renovating or building a house, remember that you can never have too many dimmers installed. Use them to your advantage! For lamps, install forty to sixty watt soft light bulbs in lamps, or have a three-way switch to lower the light of the bulb. Soft pink bulbs in lamps offer exceptional light to anyone seated nearby- an entertaining secret, which ladies seem to adore.

At dusk, my chandelier lights are a wee bit brighter than when it becomes dark. Once it is dark outside, I make a concerted effort to dim overhead lights more than you would expect, because it immediately transforms a room and the guests within... in a very positive way! A key part of entertaining is making the effort to ensure that your guests are comfortable.

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I will never forget the dinner that Stuart and I enjoyed at Buckingham Palace in the Picture Gallery which was elegantly lit by just the picture lights over the stellar art collection, along with a few wall sconces with silk shades. The coral damask wall upholstery gave a glorious glow. The evening was majestic and magical.

What one element on the dining table will enhance anything served?

A dinner set for four on Valentine’s Day! Candles were lit on both the candelabra and in the little Irish thistle glasses for a lovely glow to the table. A little wrapped chocolate gift was placed on their napkins.

As a young bride of twenty-one, Mummy shared with me that you can enhance any dinner with candlelight! This exceptional tried and true advice is applicable to anything from weeknight leftovers to formal dinner parties. There is something charming, romantic, and even magical that lit candles can bestow upon any cuisine served. This is applicable to wherever you are dining, from a picnic table to a palace.

Traditionally, candles on a dining room table are lit only when it is dark, or after 6 in the evening. Candles may be present on the table at any hour of the day, but are not lit until then. In other countries such as Germany, candles can be lit on the table any time of day, even for breakfast.

If you’re tempted to use colored candles, do so, but be privy to the fact that for formal dining, only white or off white candles are used. It is also important to note that candles near any food served should always be unscented.

A bobeche is a glass ring that is placed at the top edge of a candlestick, and that rests at the base of the candle to catch any dripping wax. I highly recommend them! A simple, plain glass ring is best so that it doesn’t distract from the quiet elegance of the candle.

At Fox Hall, we have a family tradition that after dinner is finished,  my husband and I have the children (this includes my grown children!) take one candle and make a wish as they blow it out. If there are not enough candles for every child, we relight them so that everybody gets a wish after dinner. But after a formal dinner, I use a candle snuffer so that less wax drips on the table!   

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: White wicks showing on a candle.
What is done: Wicks should be blackened once placed in a candlestick.

No-No: To light candles on a dining room table before it is dark or for an occasion earlier than dinner.

Millennial Tip

If wax drips on your table, try using a plastic spatula, held backwards, to gently push off the wax. Use some hot water on a soft cloth if needed.

Using your assorted vases, in any shape or form, as candle holders are not only practical but help to protect outdoor candles from being blown out by the wind!

When using candles in a dining room, be certain to use a dimmer to soften your chandelier light and any additional light fixtures in the room, as well as in the other rooms that you use to entertain. Let your lit candles engender their magic. Remember, ladies simply adore how they look in dimmed light and candlelight!

Candles are always magical outside on a warm summer evening. I placed votives in hand-blown pink and green glasses that were a gift to me for additional glow!

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How do you honor your guest of honor?

When you are hosting a dinner party to honor a guest, it is always a lovely gesture to have a decorative theme as part of your dining room table ornamentation. Whether it’s a slight nod to your decoration (like a favorite color or variety of flower that you know the guest of honor adores), or a well-executed theme (such as cuisine and coordinating decorations), this gesture will make your guest of honor feel most appreciated — and the other guests will enjoy your efforts as well.

Recently, my husband and I hosted a birthday dinner in honor of a dear friend, Tita, who lived in Taiwan as a child (I lived there as well).  She holds a doctorate in Asian Art History, taught at Yale University and Trinity College, and sits on several museum boards. So, you can probably guess what the theme was that evening, right?  Before the dinner, we informed the guests that there would be a Chinese theme in honor of our beloved guest, and that they should feel welcome to dress for the occasion if they so desired. I was pleasantly surprised when all of the guests showed up in on-theme attire. It added to the festive atmosphere of joviality!

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With an appreciation for antique Asian porcelain and art, my husband and I built upon our collection of Chinese pieces (some of which I inherited from my parents). I strive to decorate our dining room table with items that we own, so it is always amusing to shop around the various rooms at Fox Hall to see what I can find to enhance a theme. When I discovered a box filled with Mummy's unused crystal perfume bottles adorned with pagodas carved on the top, I decided to use them as soy sauce holders, placed intermittently between guests’ plates. It goes to show that you can repurpose what you have or begin to collect with the idea of repurposing in mind. These small details are what give a party character and tell a story!

We hosted a birthday dinner for another dear friend, whose house was featured on my television series “You Are Cordially Invited.” Melinda and her husband Paul have the largest privately-owned collection of Du Paquier porcelain. They even commissioned three stunning reference book volumes about the porcelain, written by the top porcelain experts of the world. As well, Melinda wrote a stupendous “Connecticut À La Carte Cookbook” for the Junior League of Hartford. Together, all four books came together to create my centerpiece. Melinda also loves her pair of real King Charles Spaniels, which tend to multiply in porcelain at Fox Hall. See how simple and delightful it was to create a table in her honor!