What makes a proper dinner guest?

Do you need to sing for your supper? Oh yes, indeed you do!

Whether you can sing a musical note or not is beside the point. The point is that, as a guest, you are being treated to dinner, or whatever it is that you have been invited to. Your hosts go out of their way to entertain and nourish you with their gracious hospitality, food and drink. A proper guest knows how to acknowledge and show gratitude by being engaging and conversational with the other guests, as well as polite and appreciative. In essence, that is "singing for your supper.” In return for the reward of receiving an invitation, it is up to you to be attentive, captivating and contribute to the evening. Your gift, which you are giving to the hosts, is to be a charming guest, and a person that others are attracted to for conversation and joviality. Nothing is worse than a guest that simply expects to be entertained and is boring!

Here are a few finer points that contribute to being an outstanding dinner guest:

Respond to an invitation within 48 hours, or sooner! This affirms how enthused you are to attend.

When you open up a stunning invitation, make a remark about it. Hosts go to great lengths choosing just the right invitation, and wording, for an event. It is music to the ears of the hosts to learn that a guest is pleased with the invitation and is going out of their way to acknowledge their efforts in creating it!

If you have allergies, food dislikes, or are a vegan or vegetarian, let the hosts know well in advance of the party. This is your obligation as a good guest.

When you bring a gift to a party, do not expect the hostess to open it. If it is wine, do not expect it to be served. They have already made the effort to choose the appropriate wine to complement the dinner.

If you are not sure what the dress code is, ask the hosts in advance so that you may dress appropriately.

Know when to leave. This is paramount. You may think that you are the life of the party, but do not assume that your hosts want you to stay until the wee hours. If you are the guest of honor, it is up to you to leave first, so that the other guests may leave after you. Remember: if your hosts truly want you to stay longer, they will convince you to do so when you attempt to bid your adieu!

Be the first to write a meaningful thank you note to the hosts. Remark on specific details and efforts which made the evening magical and memorable.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

Forgetting to R.s.v.p. in advance of the party date.

Bringing a guest without getting the approval of the hosts well in advance.

Changing your place card from its original location to a different spot on the table.

Millennial Tip

If you bring flowers to a dinner party, bring them in a vase so that the hosts do not have to leave their guests to arrange them. Having flowers delivered earlier in the day, or even the day before is always a thoughtful gesture. If you do not know the color scheme of the hosts' house, send white flowers, which can be placed anywhere in a house. It's a safe choice, any time of the year!

How long does a charger remain on a dinner table?

Having inherited my silver service plates, I use them occasionally to enhance a festive dinner celebration! My grandmother's porcelain floral dinner plate is placed on one of my silver service plates for a spring dinner party.

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A charger, also referred to as a service plate or an underplate, is larger than a dinner plate and is used for decorative purposes. They were primarily used to protect the table from hot plates and date back to the 15th century. Chargers vary in size from 11-14" in diameter, most traditionally made of silver or porcelain.

Food is never served on a charger. Instead, the dinner plate with food on it is placed on top of the charger. Plates for all of the courses served, except dessert ("pudding" in English vernacular), may be placed on the charger. In essence, if a charger is used throughout dinner, it will remain on the table and is only removed before the dessert is served.

The charger may also be used solely for the purpose of decorating the place setting visually for guests, and then, it may be removed prior to the first course being served.

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A White House place setting with a gold charger is in honor of the Australian Prime Minister, John Howard and his wife. A handsome gold enhanced White House charger created in honor of President Dwight Eisenhower.

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Rarely would one ever see a charger used in a proper English country house! Even though silver service plates occasionally make their appearance at Fox Hall dinner parties, I adore and concur with William Hanson's (author of The Bluffer's Guide to Etiquette) summation of chargers: "They serve no practical use, as you do not eat off one, and are - frankly - a waste of money!"

Forbidden Faux Pas

To serve the dessert course upon a charger.

Millennial Tip

Consider using silver chargers to serve hors d'oeuvres upon. They are the perfect size for a small gathering and do not take up too much space in the living room!

Attractive porcelain chargers can be handsomely employed as wall decorations when hung with plate hangers. They also look smart when placed underneath a flower arrangement to enhance the overall appeal of the arrangement by complementing the color scheme of the flowers and the room.

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Double duty! A charger can be used for more than its intended purpose.

Do you know the regal way to hold a dessert fork and spoon?

The dessert fork is facing to the right, and above, the dessert spoon is facing to the left. Notice how the ends of both are not equally aligned with one another but ever so slightly pulled to the right and left.

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When attending an informal dinner, if you observe that the place setting includes a dessert fork and spoon placed together, centered on top of the dinner plate, the good news is that you are definitely going to be served dessert, or "pudding" as it is lovingly referred to in England! The quandary for some is knowing which one to pick up. The simple answer is that you pick up both! Once dessert is served and you see the hostess has picked up her fork and spoon, then you follow suit by placing the fork in your left hand, tines side down, and placing the spoon in your right hand. The fork is used as a kind of "pusher" to place the dessert into the spoon, and then you eat from the spoon. Most guests choose to pick up either the fork or the spoon, instead of picking them both up together, one in each hand. So, now you know!

When you set an informal place setting with the fork and spoon above the dinner plate, remember that the fork is on the bottom, with the tines facing to the right. It is easy to remember that the fork is positioned to the right, so that the tines cannot poke your heart! The spoon is placed higher, above the fork, with the bowl of the spoon facing towards the left. A spoon full of sugar cannot hurt your heart!

I was delighted to learn a little nuance when doing a photo shoot for my book, The Pretty & Proper Living Room. I arranged a composition for "a romantic dinner for two" on a Pembroke table in my living room at Fox Hall. Just before the photographer began to shoot the scene, my dear friend, a consummate British gentleman, popped in to say hello. He glanced at my place setting and asked permission to suggest a slight adjustment. "Yes, of course! I relish your seasoned insight!" So, he gently moved the dessert fork and spoon, infinitesimally, to the right and to the left. "This enables your guest to pick up the spoon without the possibility of the fork pricking the right hand,” he explained. A tiny but refined detail!

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A place setting in the stupendously handsome state dining room at Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, England. I filmed an episode for my public television series, You Are Cordially Invited, with Lady Henrietta Spencer-Churchill, the eldest daughter of the 11th Duke of Marlborough, in the private apartments. They had never before been filmed.

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For a formal place setting, the dessert spoon and fork are not placed above the dinner plate! Instead, they are in line with the rest of the flatware. The dessert spoon is placed closest to the plate on the right, and the dessert fork, just to the left of the plate so that they are the last pieces of flatware employed while dining. This will allow you to savour your pudding!

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Rarely do you see the dessert fork and spoon placed above the plate in regal residences in England.Here, in the state dining room at Blenheim Palace, notice how the dessert fork is directly next to the plate on the left. The dessert spoon, to the right of the plate, has a small knife between the plate and the spoon. This is for the last course being served, possibly cheese or fruit.

Do you know what a salt cellar is?

I have always been enamored with the traditional cobalt blue glass liners inside of my silver salt cellars. And, how convenient that they complement the color scheme of the dining room at Fox Hall!

A classic salt cellar is a diminutive container filled with salt for a formal dinner. It is a charming, traditional accessory for an elegant place setting.

A Peek at Salt History

Salt cellars have been around since ancient Rome. Salt was a prized possession, and in the Middle Ages, a large silver dish of salt was considered a status symbol. It was placed prominently in front of the host to indicate his prosperity.   

Soon, smaller petite sized salt receptacles were created for dinner guests to share. In the 1600s, small salt spoons were designed to accompany each salt cellar. In the Victorian era, an individual salt cellar was displayed for each guest to have at the table, and considered quite vogue. In the early 20th century, “salt shakers” were developed when anti-clumping salt was invented.

If you attend a dinner party and an individual (not shared) salt cellar is above your place setting without a salt spoon, you may pinch the salt with your fingers, or use the tip of your clean knife blade to take out the salt and place it on the rim of your plate or on your butter plate. If the salt cellar is shared, then do not use your fingers! Salt taken from the salt cellar, with a salt spoon, may be sprinkled over your food.

Refrain from seasoning what is served to you until you have tasted it first! It can be construed as an insult to the hostess or chef that you should choose to season their culinary creation before you make the effort to taste it.

Salt is corrosive to silver, so glass liners were designed for silver salt cellars to protect the salt from damaging the silver. Remember to remove the salt from the silver salt cellar, especially if it does not have a glass liner, and wash it to remove any salt residue.

And yes, you may use a pair of salt cellars for both salt and pepper! Salt is usually placed to the right of the pepper because most people are right-handed, and salt is requested more than pepper (even though I prefer pepper).

Salt cellars, as well as individual salt and pepper shakers, are placed above an individual place setting or, when shared, above and in between the two place settings.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To leave any salt cellars or shakers on the table after dinner, when the dessert is served.
What is done: Remove the cellars before dessert is served.

No-no: To pass only the salt or just the pepper.
What is done: When asked to pass the salt or pepper, always pass them together.

No-no: To dip your food into the salt cellar.

Millennial Tip

For an informal dinner, consider using your salt cellars to hold a few chocolate covered coffee beans, spiced nuts, or even a flower blossom or two. Place one at the top of a place setting or around the centerpiece or flower arrangement. A white gardenia blossom, or a little rose blossom with a few tiny green leafs can be quite elegant in a salt cellar… who would have ever thought!