The sunset at Fox Hall, with the white and pink mountain laurel in bloom and the tall oak tree overhead, offers a peaceful moment of reflection.
The Farewell Finale:
Funeral Etiquette Part I
Funerals... an uncomfortable topic. Death is always painful to discuss, yet funerals are inevitable. We all encounter the end of life for loved ones. A funeral is a grand finale to honour a life. Giving comfort and compassion to someone who has lost a beloved person is the essence of grace and consideration, and this is why I am taking up this subject today. I have received numerous requests from you to do so, my dear ones.
I do not profess to be an expert on funerals at all, but I will share what I have learned from my own experience. When I was only sixteen, my beloved father suddenly died from a heart attack. I learned an invaluable lesson that I will never forget, and one that has influenced how I comfort friends who have lost a loved one. It was a Saturday morning, and within an hour of telling just one friend, suddenly my teenage bedroom was filled with my dearest friends from my all-girl’s school. One by one, they appeared at my house. They did not have to say anything. Their presence and hugs gave me the most cherished comfort I could ever have expected.
Lesson Learned:
Visit your dear friends and family as quickly as you can upon hearing about a death. Of course, with the COVID situation, this has to be tempered accordingly. If you live far away, call them instead so they can hear your loving voice.
Sweet Gestures:
Mummy taught me to show kindness and sympathy to those who have lost a loved one by suggesting the following:
Offer a guest bedroom to out-of-town guests. Try to assist with calls to friends and colleagues to inform them of the death and to apprise them of the funeral arrangements. Make and deliver homemade food, or store-bought, and present it on a pretty platter or serving dish (with your name affixed on a piece of tape at the bottom), for the bereaved family to enjoy or have on hand for consoling friends who drop-in. Assist with out-of-town guests by driving them or having them over for a meal. In essence, just be a thoughtful friend who can be counted upon to help in any way.
It is considerate to bring food to a bereaved household, which they may offer to their family to enjoy and to guests who stop in to offer condolences. Arrange your goodies on an attractive plate or platter so that it may be placed directly on a table or be passed. I like to use silver because it will not break like pretty porcelain, it is a dignified symbol honoring the person who died, and it complements any room decoration.
Write a sympathy note:
Write, as soon as possible, a letter of condolence on white or ecru social correspondence paper, using a black ink pen. Use words of genuine, heartfelt sympathy for the bereaved. Include a few kind remarks about the person who died if you knew them well. Avoid talking about how they died, and instead, include a joyful memory if you have one. “I am sorry for your loss, my deepest sympathy” are always appropriate sentiments.
Send flowers:
Sending a flower arrangement is always a kind gesture. Mummy always said, “Only white flowers for funerals,” but these days, this rule of thumb is more relaxed. Instead of an arrangement it is also thoughtful to send a plant, such as an orchid, flowering bush or tree for the garden… a gift that continues to give pleasure as a living tribute. My daughter thought of giving a cherry blossom tree to a family whose loved one had lived in Washington D.C. It is a joy to see its cheerful presence each spring in their garden, sweetly reminding all of us of his life. You may also consider a rose bush or an English boxwood plant, depending on the climate of the location.
Name on the card for the flowers sent:
Flowers historically have honoured the dead. The card attached to the flowers, when sent to the church or funeral home, should be addressed to the deceased person such as, “To the funeral of Mr. Hunter Higgins.” The card can express “In loving memory of Aunt Nippy” or “To my dear Uncle Hans.”
(Note: Flowers are not customarily sent to those of the Jewish faith. Instead, send food or give a contribution to a charity in the person's name.)
Forbidden faux pas:
No-no: Staying too long when paying your respects to the family or in the receiving line after the funeral. Be mindful of the overwhelming stress and duty of those who are in mourning. If you visit them to pay your respect and offer a condolence, do not overstay your welcome. It is better to attempt to leave sooner... and have them request that you stay longer.
No-no: To send an email, or worse yet, a store-bought greeting “sympathy” card, instead of your handwritten note. Your words, whether brief or in-depth, are much more meaningful than what a pre-written card can express.
No-no: Bringing flowers with you to the funeral service.