Do you align your flatware when setting a table?

An oyster fork is the only fork placed on the right side of a plate, and it is the furthest away from the plate, as it sits to the right of the soup spoon. It may also be placed with the tines resting on the spoon, slightly askew to the rest of the perfectly aligned flatware! My sincere appreciation to Oyster Chef Francisco for shucking the fresh, delectable oysters, courtesy of the fabulous Max Oyster Bar in West Hartford, Connecticut!

Aligning your flatware on a table is a detail that is often overlooked. The traditional rule of thumb is to have the bottom handle of each piece of flatware line up perfectly alongside each other. They are to rest approximately 1" to 1 1/2" from the edge of the dining room table, and never more than 2". Occasionally, you may see the top of each piece of flatware lined up instead of the bottom handles. The only piece of flatware that can be askew is the oyster fork!

In royal households, the butler is most serious about the accuracy of aligning flatware, often using a measuring device. When using a table cloth, I use a 1" ruler to align the flatware from the edge of the table. If there is an inlaid wood design on a table, it too can serve as the guideline for placing your flatware evenly. I use the blade of a dinner knife, which is 3/4" wide, to align my flatware from the edge of the placemat.

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Using a dinner knife blade as your guide makes it simple to align your flatware!

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To have a spoon present when it is not required for anything on the menu being served. 

No-no: To place a fork upon a napkin, unless it is outside on a windy day.

No-no: To have knife blades facing away from the plate.

What is done: Knives are placed to the right of the plate and the knife blade will face towards the plate. This is to protect you from cutting yourself as you pick up the knife with your right hand. 

Millennial Tip

It is a French custom, often observed in Europe and America, to place forks on the table with the tines facing down, versus upwards. This is especially lovely for flatware which features engraved initials or a monogram, or to display the embellished design on the backside of flatware, such as Tiffany's Chrysanthemum pattern.

Why is soft lighting imperative when entertaining guests?

The front hall brass chandelier and five other chandeliers were all candle lit when my family and I moved into Fox Hall twenty years ago. Lighting the forty-seven candles necessary to entertain in the evening was a bit daunting, so over time, we replaced them with electrified chandeliers...with dimmers!

Soft lighting is an important aspect of entertaining because it enhances your guests’ visual experience by creating a dreamy, mystical and almost magical ambiance to interiors. Candlelight and soft, dimmed light, impart an enchanting mood that your guests will experience in the evening. The artwork, food and decorative details suddenly transform from the expected normal, bright daylight (which creates harsh shadows), into a more captivating and romantic encounter. Everything and everyone look more attractive with soft, diffused lighting!

When renovating or building a house, remember that you can never have too many dimmers installed. Use them to your advantage! For lamps, install forty to sixty watt soft light bulbs in lamps, or have a three-way switch to lower the light of the bulb. Soft pink bulbs in lamps offer exceptional light to anyone seated nearby- an entertaining secret, which ladies seem to adore.

At dusk, my chandelier lights are a wee bit brighter than when it becomes dark. Once it is dark outside, I make a concerted effort to dim overhead lights more than you would expect, because it immediately transforms a room and the guests within... in a very positive way! A key part of entertaining is making the effort to ensure that your guests are comfortable.

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I will never forget the dinner that Stuart and I enjoyed at Buckingham Palace in the Picture Gallery which was elegantly lit by just the picture lights over the stellar art collection, along with a few wall sconces with silk shades. The coral damask wall upholstery gave a glorious glow. The evening was majestic and magical.

What one element on the dining table will enhance anything served?

A dinner set for four on Valentine’s Day! Candles were lit on both the candelabra and in the little Irish thistle glasses for a lovely glow to the table. A little wrapped chocolate gift was placed on their napkins.

As a young bride of twenty-one, Mummy shared with me that you can enhance any dinner with candlelight! This exceptional tried and true advice is applicable to anything from weeknight leftovers to formal dinner parties. There is something charming, romantic, and even magical that lit candles can bestow upon any cuisine served. This is applicable to wherever you are dining, from a picnic table to a palace.

Traditionally, candles on a dining room table are lit only when it is dark, or after 6 in the evening. Candles may be present on the table at any hour of the day, but are not lit until then. In other countries such as Germany, candles can be lit on the table any time of day, even for breakfast.

If you’re tempted to use colored candles, do so, but be privy to the fact that for formal dining, only white or off white candles are used. It is also important to note that candles near any food served should always be unscented.

A bobeche is a glass ring that is placed at the top edge of a candlestick, and that rests at the base of the candle to catch any dripping wax. I highly recommend them! A simple, plain glass ring is best so that it doesn’t distract from the quiet elegance of the candle.

At Fox Hall, we have a family tradition that after dinner is finished,  my husband and I have the children (this includes my grown children!) take one candle and make a wish as they blow it out. If there are not enough candles for every child, we relight them so that everybody gets a wish after dinner. But after a formal dinner, I use a candle snuffer so that less wax drips on the table!   

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: White wicks showing on a candle.
What is done: Wicks should be blackened once placed in a candlestick.

No-No: To light candles on a dining room table before it is dark or for an occasion earlier than dinner.

Millennial Tip

If wax drips on your table, try using a plastic spatula, held backwards, to gently push off the wax. Use some hot water on a soft cloth if needed.

Using your assorted vases, in any shape or form, as candle holders are not only practical but help to protect outdoor candles from being blown out by the wind!

When using candles in a dining room, be certain to use a dimmer to soften your chandelier light and any additional light fixtures in the room, as well as in the other rooms that you use to entertain. Let your lit candles engender their magic. Remember, ladies simply adore how they look in dimmed light and candlelight!

Candles are always magical outside on a warm summer evening. I placed votives in hand-blown pink and green glasses that were a gift to me for additional glow!

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How do you honor your guest of honor?

When you are hosting a dinner party to honor a guest, it is always a lovely gesture to have a decorative theme as part of your dining room table ornamentation. Whether it’s a slight nod to your decoration (like a favorite color or variety of flower that you know the guest of honor adores), or a well-executed theme (such as cuisine and coordinating decorations), this gesture will make your guest of honor feel most appreciated — and the other guests will enjoy your efforts as well.

Recently, my husband and I hosted a birthday dinner in honor of a dear friend, Tita, who lived in Taiwan as a child (I lived there as well).  She holds a doctorate in Asian Art History, taught at Yale University and Trinity College, and sits on several museum boards. So, you can probably guess what the theme was that evening, right?  Before the dinner, we informed the guests that there would be a Chinese theme in honor of our beloved guest, and that they should feel welcome to dress for the occasion if they so desired. I was pleasantly surprised when all of the guests showed up in on-theme attire. It added to the festive atmosphere of joviality!

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With an appreciation for antique Asian porcelain and art, my husband and I built upon our collection of Chinese pieces (some of which I inherited from my parents). I strive to decorate our dining room table with items that we own, so it is always amusing to shop around the various rooms at Fox Hall to see what I can find to enhance a theme. When I discovered a box filled with Mummy's unused crystal perfume bottles adorned with pagodas carved on the top, I decided to use them as soy sauce holders, placed intermittently between guests’ plates. It goes to show that you can repurpose what you have or begin to collect with the idea of repurposing in mind. These small details are what give a party character and tell a story!

We hosted a birthday dinner for another dear friend, whose house was featured on my television series “You Are Cordially Invited.” Melinda and her husband Paul have the largest privately-owned collection of Du Paquier porcelain. They even commissioned three stunning reference book volumes about the porcelain, written by the top porcelain experts of the world. As well, Melinda wrote a stupendous “Connecticut À La Carte Cookbook” for the Junior League of Hartford. Together, all four books came together to create my centerpiece. Melinda also loves her pair of real King Charles Spaniels, which tend to multiply in porcelain at Fox Hall. See how simple and delightful it was to create a table in her honor!

What makes a proper dinner guest?

Do you need to sing for your supper? Oh yes, indeed you do!

Whether you can sing a musical note or not is beside the point. The point is that, as a guest, you are being treated to dinner, or whatever it is that you have been invited to. Your hosts go out of their way to entertain and nourish you with their gracious hospitality, food and drink. A proper guest knows how to acknowledge and show gratitude by being engaging and conversational with the other guests, as well as polite and appreciative. In essence, that is "singing for your supper.” In return for the reward of receiving an invitation, it is up to you to be attentive, captivating and contribute to the evening. Your gift, which you are giving to the hosts, is to be a charming guest, and a person that others are attracted to for conversation and joviality. Nothing is worse than a guest that simply expects to be entertained and is boring!

Here are a few finer points that contribute to being an outstanding dinner guest:

Respond to an invitation within 48 hours, or sooner! This affirms how enthused you are to attend.

When you open up a stunning invitation, make a remark about it. Hosts go to great lengths choosing just the right invitation, and wording, for an event. It is music to the ears of the hosts to learn that a guest is pleased with the invitation and is going out of their way to acknowledge their efforts in creating it!

If you have allergies, food dislikes, or are a vegan or vegetarian, let the hosts know well in advance of the party. This is your obligation as a good guest.

When you bring a gift to a party, do not expect the hostess to open it. If it is wine, do not expect it to be served. They have already made the effort to choose the appropriate wine to complement the dinner.

If you are not sure what the dress code is, ask the hosts in advance so that you may dress appropriately.

Know when to leave. This is paramount. You may think that you are the life of the party, but do not assume that your hosts want you to stay until the wee hours. If you are the guest of honor, it is up to you to leave first, so that the other guests may leave after you. Remember: if your hosts truly want you to stay longer, they will convince you to do so when you attempt to bid your adieu!

Be the first to write a meaningful thank you note to the hosts. Remark on specific details and efforts which made the evening magical and memorable.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

Forgetting to R.s.v.p. in advance of the party date.

Bringing a guest without getting the approval of the hosts well in advance.

Changing your place card from its original location to a different spot on the table.

Millennial Tip

If you bring flowers to a dinner party, bring them in a vase so that the hosts do not have to leave their guests to arrange them. Having flowers delivered earlier in the day, or even the day before is always a thoughtful gesture. If you do not know the color scheme of the hosts' house, send white flowers, which can be placed anywhere in a house. It's a safe choice, any time of the year!

How long does a charger remain on a dinner table?

Having inherited my silver service plates, I use them occasionally to enhance a festive dinner celebration! My grandmother's porcelain floral dinner plate is placed on one of my silver service plates for a spring dinner party.

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A charger, also referred to as a service plate or an underplate, is larger than a dinner plate and is used for decorative purposes. They were primarily used to protect the table from hot plates and date back to the 15th century. Chargers vary in size from 11-14" in diameter, most traditionally made of silver or porcelain.

Food is never served on a charger. Instead, the dinner plate with food on it is placed on top of the charger. Plates for all of the courses served, except dessert ("pudding" in English vernacular), may be placed on the charger. In essence, if a charger is used throughout dinner, it will remain on the table and is only removed before the dessert is served.

The charger may also be used solely for the purpose of decorating the place setting visually for guests, and then, it may be removed prior to the first course being served.

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A White House place setting with a gold charger is in honor of the Australian Prime Minister, John Howard and his wife. A handsome gold enhanced White House charger created in honor of President Dwight Eisenhower.

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Rarely would one ever see a charger used in a proper English country house! Even though silver service plates occasionally make their appearance at Fox Hall dinner parties, I adore and concur with William Hanson's (author of The Bluffer's Guide to Etiquette) summation of chargers: "They serve no practical use, as you do not eat off one, and are - frankly - a waste of money!"

Forbidden Faux Pas

To serve the dessert course upon a charger.

Millennial Tip

Consider using silver chargers to serve hors d'oeuvres upon. They are the perfect size for a small gathering and do not take up too much space in the living room!

Attractive porcelain chargers can be handsomely employed as wall decorations when hung with plate hangers. They also look smart when placed underneath a flower arrangement to enhance the overall appeal of the arrangement by complementing the color scheme of the flowers and the room.

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Double duty! A charger can be used for more than its intended purpose.

Do you know the regal way to hold a dessert fork and spoon?

The dessert fork is facing to the right, and above, the dessert spoon is facing to the left. Notice how the ends of both are not equally aligned with one another but ever so slightly pulled to the right and left.

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When attending an informal dinner, if you observe that the place setting includes a dessert fork and spoon placed together, centered on top of the dinner plate, the good news is that you are definitely going to be served dessert, or "pudding" as it is lovingly referred to in England! The quandary for some is knowing which one to pick up. The simple answer is that you pick up both! Once dessert is served and you see the hostess has picked up her fork and spoon, then you follow suit by placing the fork in your left hand, tines side down, and placing the spoon in your right hand. The fork is used as a kind of "pusher" to place the dessert into the spoon, and then you eat from the spoon. Most guests choose to pick up either the fork or the spoon, instead of picking them both up together, one in each hand. So, now you know!

When you set an informal place setting with the fork and spoon above the dinner plate, remember that the fork is on the bottom, with the tines facing to the right. It is easy to remember that the fork is positioned to the right, so that the tines cannot poke your heart! The spoon is placed higher, above the fork, with the bowl of the spoon facing towards the left. A spoon full of sugar cannot hurt your heart!

I was delighted to learn a little nuance when doing a photo shoot for my book, The Pretty & Proper Living Room. I arranged a composition for "a romantic dinner for two" on a Pembroke table in my living room at Fox Hall. Just before the photographer began to shoot the scene, my dear friend, a consummate British gentleman, popped in to say hello. He glanced at my place setting and asked permission to suggest a slight adjustment. "Yes, of course! I relish your seasoned insight!" So, he gently moved the dessert fork and spoon, infinitesimally, to the right and to the left. "This enables your guest to pick up the spoon without the possibility of the fork pricking the right hand,” he explained. A tiny but refined detail!

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A place setting in the stupendously handsome state dining room at Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, England. I filmed an episode for my public television series, You Are Cordially Invited, with Lady Henrietta Spencer-Churchill, the eldest daughter of the 11th Duke of Marlborough, in the private apartments. They had never before been filmed.

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For a formal place setting, the dessert spoon and fork are not placed above the dinner plate! Instead, they are in line with the rest of the flatware. The dessert spoon is placed closest to the plate on the right, and the dessert fork, just to the left of the plate so that they are the last pieces of flatware employed while dining. This will allow you to savour your pudding!

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Rarely do you see the dessert fork and spoon placed above the plate in regal residences in England.Here, in the state dining room at Blenheim Palace, notice how the dessert fork is directly next to the plate on the left. The dessert spoon, to the right of the plate, has a small knife between the plate and the spoon. This is for the last course being served, possibly cheese or fruit.

Do you know what a salt cellar is?

I have always been enamored with the traditional cobalt blue glass liners inside of my silver salt cellars. And, how convenient that they complement the color scheme of the dining room at Fox Hall!

A classic salt cellar is a diminutive container filled with salt for a formal dinner. It is a charming, traditional accessory for an elegant place setting.

A Peek at Salt History

Salt cellars have been around since ancient Rome. Salt was a prized possession, and in the Middle Ages, a large silver dish of salt was considered a status symbol. It was placed prominently in front of the host to indicate his prosperity.   

Soon, smaller petite sized salt receptacles were created for dinner guests to share. In the 1600s, small salt spoons were designed to accompany each salt cellar. In the Victorian era, an individual salt cellar was displayed for each guest to have at the table, and considered quite vogue. In the early 20th century, “salt shakers” were developed when anti-clumping salt was invented.

If you attend a dinner party and an individual (not shared) salt cellar is above your place setting without a salt spoon, you may pinch the salt with your fingers, or use the tip of your clean knife blade to take out the salt and place it on the rim of your plate or on your butter plate. If the salt cellar is shared, then do not use your fingers! Salt taken from the salt cellar, with a salt spoon, may be sprinkled over your food.

Refrain from seasoning what is served to you until you have tasted it first! It can be construed as an insult to the hostess or chef that you should choose to season their culinary creation before you make the effort to taste it.

Salt is corrosive to silver, so glass liners were designed for silver salt cellars to protect the salt from damaging the silver. Remember to remove the salt from the silver salt cellar, especially if it does not have a glass liner, and wash it to remove any salt residue.

And yes, you may use a pair of salt cellars for both salt and pepper! Salt is usually placed to the right of the pepper because most people are right-handed, and salt is requested more than pepper (even though I prefer pepper).

Salt cellars, as well as individual salt and pepper shakers, are placed above an individual place setting or, when shared, above and in between the two place settings.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To leave any salt cellars or shakers on the table after dinner, when the dessert is served.
What is done: Remove the cellars before dessert is served.

No-no: To pass only the salt or just the pepper.
What is done: When asked to pass the salt or pepper, always pass them together.

No-no: To dip your food into the salt cellar.

Millennial Tip

For an informal dinner, consider using your salt cellars to hold a few chocolate covered coffee beans, spiced nuts, or even a flower blossom or two. Place one at the top of a place setting or around the centerpiece or flower arrangement. A white gardenia blossom, or a little rose blossom with a few tiny green leafs can be quite elegant in a salt cellar… who would have ever thought!